I woke up this morning. For the first time in my life. I decided to dispose my mind of everything it held. My parents’ preachings, my teachers’ teachings, my hopes and expectations, dreams, ambitions, memories, judgments. All the disappointment coming from them. Everything. I tried to rid of my mind’s control over me. All those armies of thoughts marching against each other. Hurricanes of beliefs and scruples, guilt and unjustified faith. Layers of me, peeling off. The person I was, the person I pretended to be, the one I wanted to become. All versions of myself fading away. Everything I knew, I tried to forget. All truths and logic, and reasons I erased. I embraced life as it was, without trying to change it. I acquiesced with an open heart. I’d been so disconnected from my real self that I didn’t know anymore if I was my body or my mind, or both, or neither. I hadn’t had a life of here and now since my childhood. It had been all memories from the past or dreams for the future. Anxiety had become my normal state of being. Television, my escape from reality. Don’t feel obligated to live your life, just watch somebody else’s. It’s entertaining and safe.
And it felt good. Letting go of my self-importance and accepting the fact that under all those layers I was nothing. For the first time in my life I was free. All I knew turned into a big fat lie and paradox was my new truth. I wasn’t seeing things as black and white or good and bad anymore. It was all one. Never before had I noticed the terror in other people’s eyes. I had always thought I was the only one capable of suffering. But as Kosheen say ‘We move in numbers…Like shifting sand…But we’re too eager…To understand…Cause we’re not ready…We’re too proud’ . And only suffering can strip away the filth from us, only humiliation can give us humility and only losing all faith can let us gain a whole new different kind of belief.